I fell in love this weekend. He was kind, considerate…unflinching in his affection for me. He cradled me deeply when we went to sleep at night, and affectionately held my hand while walking down the street. We’ve flirted in the past…at least the last ten years or so, but I’ve always been resistant to his charm. Not this time. He took me to the sloping hillsides of Dolores Park. We watched the electric buses and tattoo parlors, and ate awesome breakfasts with crispy polenta and eggs. We crossed the bridge and drank blood orange margaritas, heavy with premium tequila, and danced in dark, bass-filled rooms so hot that guzzling water was the only option. He rubbed the back of my neck as we scampered down narrow one-way streets and peeped out bay windowed vintage Victorians.
And in the quiet spaces, where he gave me time and let me think, I gave serious consideration about what he meant to me. Could this really be love, after all this time? I think its always been there, this fondness and devotion that’s been gestating like seed in the earth. From a seed to seedling, to tender green growth breaking the soil, its been making its presence felt. From light seeking buds that slowly unfurl from arm like leaves that develop, bloom and flourish. This whole thing has been cultivating and sprouting, waiting for the right moment.
I fell in love this weekend with the city of San Francisco. For the first time, I felt at home. Not a visitor, or tourist, but a citizen. This time was different. Was it the love of new company and friends? The alignment of the planets and stars? Maybe. But one factor was me—I’m not the same. What I am now, is ready.
My life here in Los Angeles is good. Better than good. I have friends I love dearly, a job I find more than tolerable, and after a long bout of cultural dissonance, have found myself receptive to making the most of my life here. But the premise of a love like the one that wrapped me up and held me close has me thinking about having never taken a risk. About how I always look long and hard before leaping. About how I question everything, and research, and document, double check and confirm. Not anymore. Not with this. Like being at the altar when your one true love bursts in and the decision of whether to pursue fight or flight suddenly becomes an option.
But like I said, I’m just not the same person. So, I’m moving. To be with the one I love. The one who so clearly loves me as well. There is having to find a job, a place to stay, getting my short finances in order, but love is an energy that you can’t stop. And who am I to deny love?
See you there in ’09.
Melle
Posted on 24th September, 2008
by far my favorite post 
move forward in love, D. that’s the only way.
Five Husbands
Posted on 24th September, 2008
A beautiful love song to a worthy someone - good luck on your move.
pea
Posted on 24th September, 2008
there is nothing like finding a place where you feel right, where you feel like you belong. crazy as people find the idea, i found that place in L.A. ten years ago and it was a long slow process but here i finally am. there are low, lonely moments when i miss my friends terribly but, even in those moments, if i get quiet and just listen, i hear it. that voice that tells me, ‘this is home.’
i want you to hear that voice, my sweet man. and i will help you in any way i can to make this happen.
and i will miss you terribly but am looking to exploring San Francisco with you when i come crash at your pad.
Love. Lots of it.
RPM
Posted on 24th September, 2008
I think this is beautiful. It takes courage, heart and faith to follow your intuition. The bravest and most rewarding thing we could ever do. You will do great things, because you were born to do so. Congratulations.
Ophelia
Posted on 24th September, 2008
Yea! Now a reason to go to SF. Get one of those fold out futons. Plus leave some space in the closet for visitors.
Beautiful post my dear. You are our Gift to San Francisco. We had better get a Thank You card, that’s all I’m saying.
xoxo
maria
Posted on 24th September, 2008
I fell in love with him 6 years ago and every day, that love only grows stronger. I love San Francisco, too.
JNez
Posted on 24th September, 2008
awesome post! so happy for you and san fran! make it happen
Cecily
Posted on 24th September, 2008
You sound like I did back when I visited for the first time almost 20 years ago. I envy your being able to make that move, but celebrate it all the same. Good luck, honey.
Dee Dee
Posted on 24th September, 2008
BEAUTIFUL post, but it makes me sad. 
Still happy for you. It’s wonderful there. San Fran is where The Wiz would go if he needed a wish granted. I know you’re going to love it. But you will be MISSED.
Ashley! actually,
Posted on 25th September, 2008
That’s how my dad feels about that city… When I was growing up east coast and he’d talk about it, it sounded simply magical… you could just feel the love for the place… it is his favorite city in the world…
I haven’t felt that way about anywhere except Portland, but I was only there for one weekend, so it was really more of an infatuation than the love you found… but I tend towards jumping before looking as opposed to you
I will miss you but look forward to visiting you up there!
Rudi
Posted on 25th September, 2008
You’re coming to SF? That’s awesome, you’ll be 45 min drive away from me.
I have love-hate relationship with San Francisco, but I’ll be quiet about the reasons, otherwise you and other 10 people who commented are going to put me on a stake and burn it.
Derrick
Posted on 25th September, 2008
@Melle - Thanks hon…you saw this transformation take place first had. So happy you were there with me.
@Five Husbands - Thanks for the well wishes. A lot of work to do, but I’m determined to get there.
@pea - Like I said, I was never the one to jump in like that, but all of a sudden it made sense. Going to keep the feeling and motivation going.
@RPM - Thanks for kudos. I’ll keep your sentiments in mind when it gets rough.
@Ophelia - You know much your words and thoughts mean to me, hon. That fold out futon has your name on it.
@maria - I owe you a drink. The Mint? Anywhere you wanna go hon, I’m on it. See ya in the city.
@JNez - Thanks man…I really worked hard on trying to get my thoughts and sentiments out and it looks like people really connected with it. Thanks for adding to the dialogue.
@Cecily - In some respects, you’re responsible. Thanks for having me up to help celebrate. I felt like I got a gift from your b-day too.
@Dee Dee - Thanks for the kindness. You know that just gives you an excuse to come visit, right? Let’s make the most of the next year or so while I’m here, ‘kay?
@Ashley! actually, - Your dad has good taste! I hear Portland’s beautiful. Give your love with it a chance; I bet it’s not fleeting. I only hope that everyone could find their peace the way I have with SF.
@Rudi - I think I’m honestly gonna try and make that happen in the next year, my man. I know your in SJ and that’s close enough. Feel free to bitch privately to me via email or Twitter DM.
Thanks for all the comments, and contributions. It really means a lot to me.
-Derrick
Holden
Posted on 25th September, 2008
Oh my dear goodness gracious! How wonderful and thrilling! Of course, why would I be surprised? SF has a certain way with love. It makes me feel all floaty that you found it (and of course HIM) here.
We can’t wait to see you. I’ll help you unpack! Jack and I will take you two to dinner!
xx!
[...] there. It’s been a while, I know, and I apologize for that. A lot’s happened. I think I needed some time to step back, reflect, make some adjustments before jumping back up on [...]
Leave your Comment