They so that no man is an island, and I’ve gotten this far through life without having spent a lot of time in any kind of long term relationship. I have to admit, I’m rather happy with my life and in being single. I dare say that if my life continues on this path, I would be OK with it. That’s not to say that I don’t get lonely and don’t crave someone with which to spend some time, and check out shows and galleries and museums. And then there’s that long-term sexual playtime. That might be nice.
My therapist asked me if I’ve had great sex, and I assured her that I have (even with other people!) but I can’t help but wonder what sex might be like if it was under the embracing arms of an encompassing relationship as opposed to the booty call texts and black book flickering I’ve resorted to. I say that not because I want to be judged, but because it’s a fact a life, and more importantly, the truth. I think that most Americans have a Puritanical take on sex, and that gets even nuttier when you incorporate the gay factor. Manhunt, Adam4Adam, Gay.com, and Craigslist have surely benefited in traffic from closeted, down low discreet men combing the web for some hot man on man action. But it’s not all discreet, or married types, my friend. Horny ass out and proud fags who don’t want to waste their time wading through sloppy drunks and “wait, was that eye contact?” at the bars utilize the digital cruising the net provides. And yes, yours truly has taken advantage of these services from time to time and, with fingers crossed, have come through unscathed. But the disembodied dick pics and shifty eyed “let’s get down to business” state of mind often reek of desperateness for both involved parties. And what of the meth-fueled party and play types that will pretty much say and do anything to attain and maintain their high. Risky behavior isn’t an option and if you didn’t already know: Meth is bad.
Despite these obstacles, I’ve had some brief but fun sexual times with guys but it never got any further than that. I know its partly my fault. I could have said something to the effect of, “This has been great…you wanna catch a movie sometime? Maybe check out that MOCA show or grab some tacos?” Perhaps the day of courtship and whirlwind romances are over. Maybe now we screw around to find someone we’re sexually compatible with and then go out of our way to see if we actually like them.
But hope springs eternal. I am optimistic and in all honesty, putting myself out there socially in a way that I haven’t before. I’ve grown less insecure, less self-conscious, more empowered about who I am as a person and the awesomeness I have to bring to a relationship. And probably most importantly, I have really come to like myself. I do. Its taken a while, but that Derrick guy is pretty cool beans. I can’t say I felt that way about myself when I was in full-blown whore mode, and even looking back I don’t have any regrets about that.
But yeah, sex with someone who’s into you and digs you as much as you dig them? Cool.
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